If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please