If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[first phone call]
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”