If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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Huge, if true.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
how was your vacation
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes