If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

You Might Also Like


What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?


[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?


Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.


Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.


Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?


If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.


Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.