if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
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“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
tourist season
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
multitasking lunch
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that