If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
shit, they caught us—run!!!
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
my retirement plan is braless
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”