If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
You Might Also Like
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Bring back the McRib
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My good tweets are in my other pants.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Noah
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The Punning Dead.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.