If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.