If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
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You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
They also CAN sing✌️
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”