If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
#FunnyLife Insects
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.