if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I just ran a .003048K
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
A man of commitment.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.