If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
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I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Carpe DM
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”