if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry