if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
notice
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Think I pulled my liver
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Shark week, but for squirrels.