If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…