If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.