[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
This is always good for a laugh.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.