If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I have questions??
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My dating profile:
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life