If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
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If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”