If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
584.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”