Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.