If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
A short story about romance.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.