If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs