@cluedont

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

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@circlejokes

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

@LifesGoodThing

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

@Marlebean

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

@NoContextBrits

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

@krissywillbretz

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

@ojedge

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

@notfaizzy

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.