If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.


Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”


Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE


I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.


A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.


Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”


Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.


“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”


waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.