If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
You’ll be OK
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
When you kidnap a writer.