If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
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An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Today’s Times
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
But wait…
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Yup!
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
this was the best i’ve ever seen