[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied