If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
You Might Also Like
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.