@CruelMeiga

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

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@AmericanGent69

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

@MomofTeen

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

@TheSeanBrewster

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

@JoBearParker

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

@Tmoney68

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

@daemonic3

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

@bdbdleeroybrown

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

@jctwritesstuff

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.