If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.