If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.