If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!