if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
🤣😂
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?