If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.


[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.


Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.


I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.


People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.


Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head


Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.


[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*


How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *