If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix