if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
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I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.