If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
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I thought this was funny lol
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Did…did a minotaur write this
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
me logging onto twitter
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.