If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

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P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.


My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.


4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there


friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end


Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.


A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.


I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.