Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@slimmy_shady

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@washedupseahag

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

@aveuaskew

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

@sofarrsogud

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

@jakery

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

@batkaren

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

@Lisabug74

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

@ShaunNaNaD

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

@capnwatsisname

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING