If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.