If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact