If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
You Might Also Like
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?