If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
OH. COME. ON.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…