If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):