If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse