@baronvonbike

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

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@causticbob

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

@daemonic3

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

@Browtweaten

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

@hello_saylor

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

@jackiembouvier

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

@discoken

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

@SomthinBoutSara

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

@AndyRichter

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

@Kerfuckus

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.