@ClassicMegan

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

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@MohitSharmaSays

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

@surrealvehicle

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

@taps0420

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

@Clanopath

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

@VibesBummer

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

@Brampersandon_

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

@Jennifergr8

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

@LindaInDisguise

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

@Midgetspar

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

@Stellacopter

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!