If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
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interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.