If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…


me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*


I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time


I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.


I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?


We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?


Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.


I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”


My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”


*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!