If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here