If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
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Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.