If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Botany good plants lately?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.