If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE