If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
NASA has no chill
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky