@deardilettante

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

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@lloydrang

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

@MohanadElshieky

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

@mommajessiec

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

@robfromonline

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

@djdarrellripley

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

@samttaggart

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

@PinkCamoTO

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.