If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse