if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I don’t think my car can fly
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
We’ve come full circle
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy