If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
u spoke cat all this time??????
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.